Ever fallen in love?
by creepweirdoloser
Summary: This is a songfic and it's basically about Roy being in love with Ed.


**Ever fallen in love with someone?**

Roy wished that he could just turn away from facing those golden eyes. But he couldn't, he never could. It was Ed all the time, it had to be. The one who crawled under Roy's skin, confusing his thoughts, the one Roy just couldn't escape. He had tried and yet, always failed. He had tried so hard, by looking at someone else, trying to forget the person Roy desired more than anyone. He had gone out with hundreds of people; he had slept with so many that he couldn't even remember all of them, let alone their names… And still, Roy only ended up hurting himself, because the only thing he could see were those fiery eyes, that golden hair running down the light skin. He could only see Ed. And Roy hated himself so much for that. But he couldn't help it, Roy Mustang was in love.

_You stir my natural emotions  
You make me feel I'm dirt  
And I'm hurt  
And if I start a commotion  
I run the risk of losing you  
And that's worse  
_

There wasn't a moment that Roy could be alone. He was never alone, Ed was always there. In his office, staring at him, eyes darkened with annoyance, he was there, glancing murderously at Roy or just going on with sarcastic comments which Roy and Ed were usually sharing. Ed was everywhere. Roy could sense him even if he was hundreds of kilometers away. Ed's face was corroded in Roy's retina. His voice echoed in Roy's ears. His scent, everything about him. Ed had rooted inside Roy's head. Roy could see him in his dreams every god damn night and those dreams made Roy even more frustrated and desperate.  
Edward Elric would never be his. The boy would never know how Roy truly felt. How Roy was aching every time he just saw Ed only because Roy wanted to hold him tight, never letting go. He wanted to breathe his skin, he wanted to rest his head in Ed's beautiful, golden hair. He wanted to hold the boy so much. For just once. Roy knew better, it was possible, it wouldn't ever happen. And that was how it was supposed to be. The fact always made Roy ache even more.

_Ever fallen in love with someone?  
Ever fallen in love?  
In love with someone  
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)  
In love with someone  
You shouldn't've fallen in love with_

Roy had no idea when it had started. And how long it had lasted. The only thing he knew was that there was something about Ed. Something that Roy just couldn't move on. Ed kept Roy hanging out, even though he had no idea. Even though he didn't even do anything at all. Was it the way Ed looked? He wasn't bad looking, _at all_, with his hair, eyes, face. He sure was well built and yet… There was something so fragile about Ed, maybe it was just the fact that he was still pretty short. Perfectly short. Perfectly short to fit in Roy's arms… Roy hated the way his mind started to wander whenever he was thinking about Ed. He wanted to lose all control. He wanted to lose his entire cool. He wanted to go and kiss the shit out of the boy who happened to be 14 years older than he was. Ed wasn't an angel, no way… He had a really bad temper, he was still quite immature, he pissed Roy 24/7 but… still, after everything, Roy was desperate for him. 

_I can't see much of a future  
Unless we find out what's to blame  
What a shame  
And we won't be together much longer  
Unless we realize that we are the same_

And then, something happened. Ed started to stare at Roy. Not in his usual way, like he was trying to kill Roy with his look. No, this time, it was different. Ed looked like he was working with some puzzle. And every time Roy took a look at him, Ed turned away. At first Roy just thought that it was only his imagination or some weird wish of his but he realized soon that Ed really was acting strangely towards him. Every time Roy saw the boy, he looked like he was deep in his thoughts. And then, one time Roy caught Ed staring at him once again and saw something weird. Ed turned away and _blushed._ Roy couldn't take it no more.  
"Full metal, what _the hell_ is wrong with you", he demanded.  
"There's nothing wrong with ME, you fucking idiot!"  
_Well_, Roy thought, _there he was, being all Ed again…_  
"What do you mean", Roy sighed. He was tired and wanted to go home. He didn't want to figure out what was going on in Ed's head because he had an idea… And he didn't like it at all.  
"We should do something", Ed blurted out while staring at Roy defiantly.  
"About what, may I ask?"  
"About US! I know you're an idiot but you're not an imbecile!"  
Roy wanted to escape. He didn't want to see Ed's burning eyes; he didn't want to see the flame in them.  
"There's no us." Funny how Roy didn't even believed himself. But there wasn't 'us', there wasn't… It was only Roy and his silly little desiring. Ed growled and for a moment looked like he wanted to punch Roy.  
"Well, there is now", the boy just said and stretched himself to press his lips on Roy's.  
In that moment, when Ed kissed him, Roy forgot how to breathe.

_Ever fallen in love with someone?  
Ever fallen in love?  
In love with someone  
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)  
In love with someone  
You shouldn't've fallen in love with_

Ed surrounded him. Ed haunted Roy, every fucking second there was. Oh how, he wanted to make Ed his own, how he wanted him… But he couldn't. Roy pushed Ed away, even though it was the hardest thing Roy had ever done. Roy pushed away the boy he loved even though that was the last thing he wanted to do. It _hurt._ It was like something was ripping Roy's chest apart when he had to face those burning eyes, which at the moment where full of something fragile.  
"Don't be such a pussy", Ed said and rolled his eyes. It was all an act, because Roy saw right through Ed's eyes. Roy saw into his soul, the very place that no one in this world could see. Expect for Roy. And that fact made Roy even more desperate to hold Ed… And that fact made Roy just want to push Ed away and escape the situation. It wasn't meant to be like that. It had to be just Roy, longing Ed, maybe forever… And it was perfectly fine like that! Ed wasn't supposed to talk about _us_ and Ed sure wasn't supposed to kiss him!  
Because Roy only ended up hurting those he cared about… And he cared about Ed so fucking much… In the end, Roy would only lose Ed. And that was something Roy didn't want to go through. He would be fine, just watching the one he loved, from far away… He would protect them, if there'd be a need for that. But Ed was something so special to Roy, Roy had fantasized about making Ed his own, but in reality, he didn't want it. He didn't want to make anything important to him, his own… What was the point anyway? To have something when you, eventually, will lose it… Happiness, of course everyone wanted it, even Roy Mustang wanted it. But for him, happiness tended to run away, leaving only those bittersweet memories, leaving Roy - once again - all alone. Roy never ever wanted to lose Ed.

_You disturb my natural emotions  
You make me feel I'm dirt  
And I'm hurt  
And if I start a commotion  
I'll only end up losing you  
And that's worse_

"Why are you like that?"  
Roy closed his eyes, wishing that when he would open them, Ed would be gone with his questions and gone with his soft lips and gone with his eyes filled with hurt. Nope, it didn't work, Ed was still there, standing in front of Roy, waiting for answers. But Roy didn't have them.  
"Could we just… Forget about all of this?"  
"Fuck you… FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! I know you want me so why are you holding back?! Cause I'm younger than you? Cause I'm your subordinate? Cause we're both men…?"  
Roy shooked his head, how he wanted to tell Ed that none of those were the problem… How he wanted to tell that the only problem was that Roy was so afraid to lose Ed…  
"None of those matter to me…"  
It was ironic. So damn ironic. Something that Roy had wanted for so long. Ed was there, clearly the boy wanted Roy, Ed had kissed him and now Ed was saying that issues between them didn't matter to him…  
Roy felt like he was in a purgatory, he wanted it, he needed it… He wanted and needed Ed so much. And the same time the risk of losing Ed was so bad that Roy couldn't bare it.  
"I have no idea what you're on about. I don't _want_ you, if that's what you think."  
It was the biggest lie Roy had ever said out loud. And lying had never been so hard to Roy; he had to force those words leave his mouth. Ed just stood there for a while, looking at Roy, shooking his head incredulously.  
"Fine then… If you say so." Ed turned away and went to the door, put his hand to the doorknob and stopped.  
"You know, I don't get you… And I don't think I want to get you. Just… Go to hell."  
And with those words, Ed left.

_Ever fallen in love with someone?  
Ever fallen in love?  
In love with someone  
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)  
In love with someone  
You shouldn't've fallen in love with_

Roy wished that Ed would have yelled. That he would have thrown stuff or something so Ed-like. But no, the boy had just said: "_If you say so"_ and walked away. Roy wished that he would have been so Ed-like. Because then it wouldn't be so damn hard to just be there, then Roy maybe wouldn't have to pick up all his willpower so that he wouldn't run after Ed and tell him that _of course Roy wanted him, more than anything in this world._ Roy asserted himself that it was better that way. That if he now would run after Ed, he'd only end up hurting himself, and more importantly: he would only end up hurting Ed. Happiness… It was like a shooting star. Only for a tiny little moment, you can see it glowing in the dark… And then, before you realize, it's gone. In Roy's case, it had always been like that. In his hands, the shooting stars always faded away. It was his curse and with that curse Roy had born, Roy had lived to the date and with that curse Roy would die, all alone, so there would be no one else seeing how the stars faded away, one by one. It was his very own curse.

_Ever fallen in love with someone?  
Ever fallen in love?  
In love with someone  
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)  
In love with someone  
You shouldn't've fallen in love with_

There he was, once again. Roy was looking Ed from far away. Roy watched the boy's smile, he could hear Ed's laugh but only Roy knew that it wasn't real. There was this tiny little tone in his voice, there was this tiny little dark shade in Ed's eyes. Those little things revealed Ed. And only Roy saw those tiny little things about him even though the alchemist tried to so hard to pretend to be happy, Roy knew that he wasn't. Roy didn't have to question whose fault Ed's unhappiness was. His, of course. If he just hadn't saw something in Ed, about two years ago… If he just would have… Would have what? Roy had no idea.  
It was funny, in a way. No matter what Roy did, he still ended up hurting Ed. But Roy knew that Ed would be over it soon enough. That was the thing which kept Roy standing there, watching from far away while Ed grabbed the other boy's hand and gave him another fake smile. Ed's eyes started to wander around the place, as if they were looking for something… or someone. Then Ed's eyes found Roy's. Ed looked at Roy and Roy turned away, knowing that someday Ed would be just fine… But Roy wouldn't.  
After all, he was still desperate for Ed. He still wanted to hold him. Roy was still achingly, painfully, in love. And he would be, staring at Ed from far away, remembering how he had tasted, and remembering how perfectly fitting his body was in Roy's arms… Roy Mustang was in love for the first time. And he would be for a very long time.

_Ever fallen in love?  
In love with someone  
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)  
In love with someone  
You shouldn't've fallen in love with_

Roy glanced up and there it was, one little shooting star. A few seconds and it was gone. That's how it was and that how it would always be.

_Fallen in love with  
Ever fallen in love with someone  
You shouldn't've fallen in love with_


End file.
